


Hale

by romanoff



Series: held [9]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - BDSM, Anxiety, Dom Steve Rogers, Fluff and Angst, Healthy Relationships, M/M, Medical Jargon, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Recovery, Sub Tony Stark, Therapy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-20
Updated: 2015-04-20
Packaged: 2018-03-25 00:50:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,099
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3790444
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/romanoff/pseuds/romanoff
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Recovery is slow going, but Tony reckons there's hope.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Hale

Tony smoothes his hands down his pants, flattening his hair in the mirror. He looks good. He looks fine. He looks -- very professional. Professional in a casual way. Casual professional.

He tucks his button-down into his pants, twists, and briefly checks his ass. Still there. Sniffs his breath: minty. He's calm. Cool, calm and collected, and there's nothing --

"You ready?" Steve asks, poking his head round the door. "It's a bit of a drive. I packed sandwiches?"

That's cute. Tony thinks that's cute. Who packs sandwiches for a three hour drive? Steve does, apparently. Tony steadies his breath, smiles. "Yeah," he says "yeah that's great. Did you get the, did you get those leaflets she sent you?"

"Got them." Steve says, waving them in his hand. "You can check them out on the drive down. Uh." Steve slides into the room. "Are you okay?"

"Fine." Tony swallows. "Nervous." He admits.

"Well that's, that's normal." Steve says. "That's okay." He pauses. "We don't have to -- "

"I want to." Tony says quickly.

Steve looks at him funny. "I know." He says "I know that you -- you want to. But I mean -- for me? Or because... you're thinking about what I might do if we don't."

"For you." Tony answers quietly, because it's true. "For us."

Steve steps behind him. He folds a lock of hair behind Tony's ears. "You look very handsome." He says, smiling slightly.

Tony tips back his head, lets it rest on Steve's shoulder. He smells like vanilla and cinnamon. "I don't know why I bothered." He mumbles. "Just -- I don't know."

"She says she recommends bringing our own collar and leash. She has ones there, but she said that some subs prefer -- "

"I know." Tony says. "Uh -- just the leather, yeah? Jewelled is a bit much."

Steve hums, drawing the collar from it's case. "One day," he says, smoothing down Tony's shoulders and resting the cool, thick line of it over his throat "one day, I'm going to take you out wearing my collar."

Tony swallows against the leather. "Oh yeah?"

"Yeah. I'll show you off." Steve smiles, clips the collar closed. "Let everyone know you're mine."

 

The travel in silence, mostly.

Tony read the pamphlets the therapist sent through. _Trauma: How To Understand What Your Sub Is Feeling_ and _So You Think Your Sub Might Be Shocked?_

Tony flips through the covers, skims over the paragraphs. A few catch his eye.

_Protracted Shock Syndrome (PSS) is one of the most common ailments for the modern submissive. In fact, it's estimated that up to one in four submissives will suffer with this condition throughout their lifetime! Daily life can prove strenuous, especially to those subs who now support their family through the workplace as well as taking on the traditional roles of homemaker. PSS is not to be confused with Submissive Shock Syndrome, which covers a submissives reaction to trauma. For more, please see page 3._

_PSS should also not be compared to it's dominant equivalent, Depression. Although the symptoms may appear to be the same, treatment is very different depending on a person's sexual orientation and their personal preferences. If you believe you are suffering with Depression, it's important you immediately contact your local health provider for a reference, as this can effect your mood. Remember, it's important to always ensure your submissive is in the most comfortable environment for them!_

Is Steve depressed? Tony doesn't think so. He doesn't _seem_ depressed. His mood doesn't swing, he's still talkative. He's stressed. He needs help dealing. But his problem isn't depression.

Does Tony have PSS? Maybe. He's grown up hearing about it, but he never thought it was something that would affect _him._ Even after the first party, even after Baine... it never really occurred to him that he might be, you know, one of _those_ subs. Sure, he had Shock after Baine twisted him round and after Buckner passed him around like a bong. And he went into Shock after Baine got him a few months ago, too. But it was never -- it's not _protracted --_

"Tony?" Steve says, eyes on the road. "What's wrong? You're quiet."

"I don't have PSS, do I?"

Steve keeps staring at the road. "I don't know." He says evenly.

"Steve? You don't think I have it, right? You don't think I'm, I'm in Shock?"

Steve clears his throat, rubs his nose. "Well, you know." He says "I was reading up symptoms, and I was thinking. You go under very, very fast Tony. I don't know if you're aware -- "

Tony blinks. "What? That's not a problem! Is it?" Tony swallows. "It's, it's not a problem, right?"

"No." Steve says quickly. "No! But you're -- you see? Not sensitive, that's not the word..."

"What."

"You're the opposite of submissive when you're not under." Steve clarifies. "And that's normal, you know? Some subs aren't obedient, quiet, whatever. That's _normal,_ and _healthy,_ and I love that. I like that we're equals, okay? The thing is... subs like you, with that sort of personality -- "

"Spit it out."

"You're not supposed to go under so quick! And so deep! You've maybe never experienced it, with other subs, but -- Tony, you -- "

"You're telling me this now?"

"It didn't feel right, saying it before. And Tony, when you drop... honestly, because I've never experienced, okay? But how bad is it for you? Because usually, I was able to do the aftercare, hold them, and in the morning if they were a little grouchy I'd make breakfast. Worst-case scenario, if a scene's gone wrong or they're dropping real hard, I'd stay the whole day. But you seem to drop -- I mean, you drop badly, Tony. It's messy. You know that."

"I know that." Tony mumbles. "I know. I always -- it's difficult for me, Steve."

"I know." Steve says softly. "And that's what we're going to talk about. We're going to talk about me, you. How we fix this, for both of us. How we work together. Guidelines, rules, boundaries. Everything I can to make you feel safe."

"You think that'll help?"

"I know it'll help. Both of us." Steve speeds up slightly as they hit the highway. "Read out the symptoms."

"Of what?"

"PSS. Because it's different to depression. They share some symptoms, but I don't think you have those ones. Go on. Read them out."

Tony sighs, smoothing down the page. "Difficulty sleeping." He starts. "Difficulty sleeping is the most common symptom of PSS, so common that it often causes the disorder to go unnoticed. If your submissive has trouble sleeping, or -- " Tony swallows "or only sleeps if you are together, they may be suffering from PSS."

"Go on."

"Many submissives may insist that the dominant does not sleep until they have. This is because they prefer the security of having -- you know what, okay. Fine, but that's one symptom, and it's common. I like," Tony feels his cheeks flushing "yeah, I like to sleep first, okay? Yeah it's a security thing, but that's because I don't want to be -- it doesn't have to be a big thing."

"Keep reading." Steve says evenly.

Tony grits his teeth. "Insecurity." He reads. "Although this sounds vague, it's important to -- Steve, do I have to read these?"

"No." He says "But I think you should know what you're talking about when we meet this lady."

"Insecurity." Tony continues. "It's important to bear in mind that submissives, by nature, are more sensitive than their dominant counterparts. Remember, you should never presume to order a submissive with whom you do not already have a pre-existing relationship or contract, even if informal. Insecurity caused by PSS," Tony sighs "may lead to a lack of communication between submissive and dominant as the submissive attempts to obey in order to please the dominant. This is the main factor in bedroom injuries as the submissive will not call the scene -- fine. Fine, Steve."

"Do you read what is says about causes? Why a sub might be this way?"

Tony sighs. "Submissives can experience Protracted Shock Syndrome for a variety of reasons. It can be due to great trauma, or the loss of someone with whom they feel safe with, such as a lover, parent, or friend. The most common cause of PSS is -- " Tony swallows " -- is sexual assault. It's important to note that this extends even to mild forms, such as unwanted touch or sexually suggestive gestures, depending on the sensitivity of the sub. Submissives who," Tony clears his throat "Submisses who experience severe sexual trauma my also suffer additional symptoms. If you worry that a love one has undergone severe trauma, please see page 6 for additional resources." Tony finishes.

"What do you think?" Steve says. "You think that could be you?"

Tony turns and looks out the window. "You know it is." He murmurs.

 

They stop just off the highway, pulling into a small picnic area. A family is just leaving as they arrive, and they blink at the sight of them. The children ask for autographs, and the father eagerly pulls the whole family into a picture with both of them.

"Is that Iron Man?" A little girl whispers.

"Yeah it's Iron Man." Steve grins.

"Mr Stark," the little girl says politely "you have a very pretty collar."

Tony smiles, ruffles her hair and hands her five dollars. "Keep that up." He says. "It'll get you far."

The girl grins and nudges her brother. "You hear that?" She says "I'm gonna go far."

The parents say their thanks and wish them luck and tell them 'God bless' and then the Brady Bunch all clamber into the Volvo and take off, little girl still waving from the back seat. "Cute." Tony hums, sitting down at one of the table. "C'mon." He says "Sit. You know how much I love your -- " he peels back the bread and checks the sandwich "egg mayo." He finishes, distastefully.

"That's mine." Steve says, swinging his leg over the bench. "You're chicken, lettuce and tomatoes." He smiles slightly, as if Tony's healthy habits are strange to him. "No butter or mayo, because you're a weirdo."

Tony snatches it from his hands. "Cholesterol, Steve, ever heard of it?"

Steve grins, rolling his eyes slightly, and the nerves in Tony's belly abate just slightly. "So," Steve says "the kids were cute?"

Tony looks up from where he's picking at his sandwich. "Sure." He says, evenly. 

"You've never considered it, have you."

"What, kids? No. No not really."

"Not even when you were younger?"

Tony shrugs. "I think everyone assume they'll have kids when they're younger. It just never really happened. And the agencies will only start the adoption process if they can see you're permanently contracted, so." Tony takes a bit of his sandwich, lettuce crunching. "Beside, I always thought I'd go abroad anyway. Kids in America are in _demand,_ you know?" He grins "All the couples want them."

"Well sure, that's now. But when you were younger. Didn't you consider a female dom? You could have had your own."

"I could've." Tony admits. He picks at some tomato seeds, not wanting to say what comes next. "I -- yeah. Like I said, kids just assume they'll have their own someday. Baine would say shit like that. Talk about starting a family." Tony wipes down his hands. "I bought it hook line and sinker for about a week. And then we signed a contract."

Steve looks down. "Sorry."

Tony shrugs. "Nothing you can do about it." And it's true. He hasn't thought about it since.

 

They finish lunch quickly. The therapist lives about half an hour out of Albany, secluded, peaceful. She offers joint retreats for doms and subs, too, if they can afford it. She's supposed to be the best.

Tony smoothes his palms over his pants. "Nervous?" He asks, exhaling.

"No." Steve says, evenly, although his hands are tight on the wheel. "You?"

Tony shakes his head. "Nope."

Inside, though, he's shaking. It's nothing to worry about, obviously. Steve isn't going to get up and leave. No one's going to laugh at him. No one's going to force him to do something he doesn't want to do.

But what if she suggests something to help Steve that Tony knows he can't do? Like, like taking another sub? Or fuck, what if she tells them that they're not right for each other? That Tony's too damaged for Steve, and he's better off finding someone else to help him. Tony's never going to find another dom, now, it's too late, and he loves Steve too much. He won't --

Oh, c'mon. Like Steve would just get up and leave. They drive through the woodland road, Tony just catching a glance of the house as they turn a corner. It looks old, large. A colonial, maybe. There's honey-suckle running up the side, and the driveway is gravelled with little round stones.

Steve slowly brings the car up to a stop outside the heavy wooden door. Tony can smell the flowers, it tickling his nose slightly. It's high summer, and it's one of the hottest to date. The heat seems to shimmer in front of their window.

"So." Steve says. "You ready?"

"Yeah." Tony croaks.

Steve takes his hand. "We don't have to do this."

"I want to."

"This is just as much for you as it is for me, okay?"

"I know, Steve."

"If something comes up you don't want to talk about, you say 'red'. No need to bother with long-winded explanations, you just say 'red' and I'll get you the hell out of there."

"Steve," Tony says, clapping his hand over his. "I know."

Steve glances at him worriedly one more time. And then he presses a kiss to his forehead. "C'mon." He whispers. "I'll get the bags."

 

They're standing outside the door, Steve with two overnight bags slug over his shoulders and Tony with hands he doesn't know where to position. He knocks, twice, and smoothes his hands down pants. "Lead." He mutters. "Did we bring the lead?"

"I've got it, Tony."

He nods. "What about, what about the cuffs? Did she say we'd need -- "

"I have them just in case." Steve says calmly. "Deep breath, okay? Remember what I said."

He can hear heels behind the door, the sound of a bolt unlocking. And when it opens, it's not a woman looking out at them.

The man smiles. "Mr Stark," he says "Captain. Come on in. Ms Campbell is just finishing up with the last couple."

He's wearing a collar, solid supple leather with a small gold tag. "And you are?" Tony asks.

"Intern." The man grins -- more of a boy, really. He must be in his early twenties. Short blond hair, tanned, he looks like he's fresh from L.A. Sounds like it, too. "I'm taking a practical year. Submissive therapy."

Tony nods. "Good for you." He says "What college?"

"U.C.L.A," he says "but Ms Campbell is the best. I had to fight my way to get this job." He guides them through a door into a large, plush living room. "Let me take those bags," he says "you're in the suite tonight, but you're thinking about extending the trip?"

"Maybe," Steve says, setting a hand on Tony's shoulder "we'll see how it goes." He smiles at him, and Tony quickly smiles back.

"Great," the boy says, chipper "can I offer you any refreshments? Something cold, probably?"

"Ice water will be fine for both of us." Steve nods.

The boy disappears and Tony takes in the room. The corridor had been all oak and tiled floor, black and white, but this room is different. Large and airy, the glass doors are opened into a garden, letting in still air. There are birds chirping on trees. The soft sound of wind-chimes. It's nice, Tony thinks, clearly designed to put subs in their element.

"So?" Steve asks "How's it going so far?"

Tony nods, rubs his hands. "Good." He says "Good, great. Fine."

Steve rubs his hand over his back. "Please relax," he says "you're so tense."

"I'm fine." Tony says softly, pushing Steve's hand down. "I mean it. Don't worry about me."

Steve tucks his fingers between Tony's neck and the collar. It feels safe. Comforting. "Okay." He says simply.

The door opens, and the boy walks in carrying a tray, a woman following. "Captain," she says, swiftly "Mr Stark. It's an honour to meet you in person."

Steve stands, shaking her hand, and then Tony follows suit. "Will, pass them their water please."

Will slides the tray onto the small table next to the couch and the woman takes the chair opposite them. "So," she starts "to start, just call me Sandra. Do you have preferred titles? It just makes the whole thing so much more informal."

"Steve." Steve says "Just call me Steve."

Tony flashes a grin, winning, confident, he's fine. "Tony's good for me." He says.

Sandra smiles. "Excellent." She says, firing right back. "Will is going to take your bags to your room -- you've picked the suite, haven't you? I'm actually slightly jealous, it's gorgeous in the summer."

"The whole house is." Tony says. "So beautiful."

"Oh absolutely," Sandra mouths a 'thanks' to Will as passes her some coffee "I fell in love with it the first second I saw it. Perfect for relaxation and -- well, for therapy."

"You have many other couples here?" Steve asks, and Tony can tell he's planning safe executions. 

"The last just left. It's just you two." She sips "I know it's mentioned in the brochure, but I just want to clarify that we're used to high-profile guests. Your privacy is one of our top concerns."

"We know." Steve says easily. "That's why were here."

"I don't want to sound pushy, but did you read the pamphlets I sent?"

"Oh we read them." Tony says wryly.

"And what did you think?"

Steve and Tony share a look. "There was -- I think there was a bit of disagreement."

Sandra raises an eyebrow. "Oh really? Well it's not something we can't address easily. I know I mention it on the site, but this therapy is very different to what you might have experienced before for -- for work related trauma."

"I've had a relationship counsellor before." Tony says. "Well -- not for relationships, but -- for submissive trauma."

"Submissive trauma." Sandra says slowly. "So I'm curious as to what's happening here, exactly. If I can just start with Steve, and then get your view. After dinner I'm going to show you methods to help implement what we've discussed here, but Tony, if you're uncomfortable with me touching you, I'll use Will as an example. We're going to take our time, okay? Get everything set out and clear."

Steve looks at Tony. "I -- we've been having problems."

"Could you start at the beginning? I just want Steve's opinion right now, but I promise Tony we'll get to you in a moment."

"The beginning?" Steve looks slightly dazed. "Well, uh. We've been dating for about six months now."

"So it's serious, then?"

"Yes." Steve says. "Yes." He smiles at Tony, squeezes his hand.

"Have you considered -- and sorry if this is too personal -- but have you considered asking Tony to join you in a permanent contract?"

Steve inhales and Tony looks away. Great.

"That's -- that's an issue, too."

"Okay." Sandra says slowly. "Well it's nothing we won't get to. Start at the beginning."

"The beginning was -- really, I think, for both of us, uh -- Tony, Tony spent the night with a couple. And they -- I got the impression that the skimped on the aftercare."

"There was no aftercare." Tony pitches in.

"Right." Steve says. "So -- he was dropping, pretty hard. And he must have come up to the main floor for company, but I didn't realise that. You know how subs seek out other people well, I just thought he was being, I don't know, grumpy. So I think I snapped, or said something, I can't remember exactly. But Tony got down on his knees and started -- " Steve clears his throat "started to apologise."

Sandra winces. "Unfortunate but... common enough."

"Exactly. So I did the thing any other half-decent human being would do, and took him to bed. Just... dropped him slowly."

"I see. And you'd say this was the start of your relationship? Tony? Do you agree?"

"Yeah." Tony breathes. "Sure. Definitely."

"After that... it was an informal thing. For me." Steve adds, quickly. "There was a miscommunication. I figured that, you know, I thought Tony was pretty great. I liked him a lot, was starting to think -- was starting to think that maybe I loved him. And I was taking him down often, once a week, more. So I started pushing for a contract. Not a permanent one, just a, you know, month or so."

"Tony disagreed?"

"Tony thought -- he had thought we were dating." And Tony shakes his head, holds it in his hand and tries to tamp down on the embarrassment. "And I could see why. But it's just -- he doesn't like contracts. So when I started to push... their was a miscommunication. I don't know."

"And?"

"And we resolved it." Steve says. "It's not a problem."

"But clearly there are problems now?"

Tony and Steve look at each other once more. "It's me." Steve admits.

"Okay," Sandra says easily "so lets hear what _your_ problem is, Steve."

"I just," Steve looks away, turns his head. He shrugs. "I see things. I... have nightmares. It takes it's toll. Sometimes -- " and it breaks Tony's heart how Steve, so broad and so big, plays with his hands as he looks at the ground "sometimes it affects our relationship. Sometimes... I lose focus."

A pause. "Have you ever been afraid that you would hurt Tony? Without meaning to?"

Slowly, Steve nods.

"Because of your strength?"

Steve nods again. "It's a strength thing." Tony interrupts "He doesn't like, you know, slapping. Or whipping. Paddles, whatever. I have to beg -- not in a sexy way, either." Tony balls his fists. "It's frustrating! I can _see_ he's suffering, I'm not stupid, he thinks that he's protecting me, I _know_ he thinks that, but it needs to stop. I'm not delicate, and he _needs_ it. He needs it." Tony turns away, feeling the old anger bubble to the surface. "And I don't like that he treats me like I'm made of glass."

"I don't treat you like your made of -- "

"Then beat me like I ask!"

"You have no idea how much that can hurt."

"Uh, duh, yes, I fucking do Steve." Tony takes in a breath. Think happy thoughts.

"Would you say that Steve... doesn't trust you?"

Tony blinks. "What?"

"Steve doesn't trust you." Sandra says slowly. "Doesn't trust you to know you're own limits."

"Yes." Tony answers, quietly. "I would say that."

"Stop putting words into his mouth." Steve growls.

"Captain, please." Sandra sighs "Please, you have to listen to what Tony wants, here."

"I know what he wants." Steve mutters, bitter "I know what he wants, and I'm sorry I can't give it to him."

"What does he want?" Sandra says, holding out her hand to stop Tony from interrupting "You tell me what you think your sub wants."

"A firm hand." Steve says. "He wants me to take my stress out on him. Maybe he enjoys that, I don't know. I don't -- I know it's risky, for someone like me. I could zone out, I could go too far. I don't want to _be_ one of those doms. I don't want to use my sub like a convenience."

"But you're not." Tony mutters "You're not, not if I want it. I _want_ you to be happy, Steve. You understand that? The same way you, you give me bubble baths after scenes, even when I don't need them. You do that for me. And I do this for you. And Steve -- I need you to trust me. I need you to. Do you know what it's like to put everything into a relationship and still not -- " Tony breaks off, sighs. "Whatever." He says, looking at Sandra. He shrugs in a 'what are you going to do?' sort of gesture.

Sandra looks sad. "Steve?" She asks "How does that make you feel?"

"Like shit." Steve grits.

"Sorry." Tony blurts. He looks down. He didn't fucking mean it that way, he didn't want Steve to -- "Sorry. It wasn't -- I didn't mean it to come out like that. I love you. I love you so much, it's fine. You can," Tony looks up, rests his hand on Steve's arm "you can do what you like, I promise. I'll stop pushing for, for stupid things, I swear. Steve? Steve did you hear that? You don't have to do what you don't want, it's fine. I'll be fine."

Steve looks up, looks at Sandra. "You see?" He croaks. "This is what happens."

Tony blinks. "What?" He asks "What happens? Steve? What happens? We argue? Fuck, I'm sorry." Tony pulls away his hand, because he doesn't deserve the touch right now, does he. He looks at Sandra "I don't want to argue." He admits, going for a smile. "I -- fuck. I hate making him angry, you know?"

"I'm not angry." Steve says sadly, taking Tony's hand. Sandra is looking at him, and then she's writing something on her notepad.

"Tony," she says softly "I don't think Steve's angry at all. Why would you think that?"

"Think what?" Tony says "That he's mad? Did you not just hear what he said?"

"He said that what you said made him feel -- if you'll excuse me -- like shit."

"Right." Tony says, feeling his patience wearing thin. "So don't ask me why I would think that. You know why."

"Tony, by all reports, you have a very, very strong character. You're able to go up against doms on a regular basis, and in most cases, you're the one who finishes a fight. So it's just a curious personality trait that you would -- that you would apologise so quickly to your own dom."

Tony tries to smile. "I just." He swallows. "I don't want to make him mad, you know?" He says weakly. "But Steve knows that," he says, squeezing his hand "he knows that I never mean what I say. I just say stupid shit sometimes, I just -- " Tony rubs his brow, feeling the beginnings of a headache "I'm just a wreck." He admits. "I'm just -- I'm stupid."

Silence, except for the scratching of Sandra's pen.

"You're not stupid." Steve blurts. "How many times have I told you you're not? You're not a wreck, either, Tony."

"If you don't mind, Steve, I'd like to track this." Sandra says, sitting up straight. "Tony, I'm interested in how you're worried to make Steve angry. Why? What happens if he's angry?" Sandra leans forward. "Does he hurt you?" She says, voice low "Is that what's happening?"

It takes Tony's a few moments to process what she just said. He blinks. "What?!" He cries "No! What the hell?"

Sandra holds up her hands. "I was just asking." She says, and she shoots a glance at Steve. "It's important to ask. But I want to know why making Steve angry is such a concern for you. Do you trust him?"

"Yes."

"But you don't want to anger him?"

"No."

"Tell me, is Steve an angry man?"

Tony flinches, internally, because the answer is no. Of course Steve isn't an angry man. And he knows how irrational it is to think that he is. He knows that. It's just --

"He's not angry." Tony says, slowly. "He's never hurt me. He's never in raised a hand to me. I mean," he snorts "you saw, right? He literally won't even hit me when I ask him to."

"And yet," Sandra says gently "you're scared."

Tony frowns. "I'm not -- " he pauses. "Scared." 

Sandra nods. "Tony," she says, softly "I don't know if you noticed, but you were showing some pretty submissive body language just then."

Tony blinks. "What?" He says, confused.

"When you were apologising to Steve. Did you know you tipped your head back? Were you aware you called yourself stupid?"

"I was -- " Tony turns "Steve?"

"You were, sweetie." Steve says quietly. "You always do."

Tony swallows. "Well that's normal." He says, defensively. "I'm apologising, I should -- that's natural to me."

"Okay," Sandra says, evenly. "But I'm curious as to why you needed to undermine everything you'd been arguing for? Which brings me back to the point: why, if Steve is such a peaceful man, are you afraid you'll make him angry?"

Tony feels sweat prickle his brow. "I -- I don't know."

"You don't know?"

"I can't -- I know he won't hurt me."

"Of course. But you're worried you'll make him angry? What's wrong with making him angry?"

"He'll -- he'll, I don't know, not like me."

"And if he doesn't like you?"

Tony swallows. "I don't know."

"What would happen if Steve didn't like you?"

"I don't know, what happens when you don't like someone?" Tony snaps. "Sorry." He adds, meekly. 

"That's alright. I just really want to know what your motivator is here, Tony."

Tony licks his lips. "I just want to please my dom." He says softly. "What's wrong with that?" He half begs, desperate.

"But what would happen if you didn't please Steve? What would happen then?"

"I just don't want him to leave." Tony manages, the words curdling his stomach. "I just don't -- I've never had a dom before. Not like this. Not -- not this nice."

Sandra nods, smiling sadly. "What's so nice about having Steve as a dom, Tony? What makes him special?"

Tony feels his throat close up. He doesn't want to talk about this anymore. He knows what makes him special, he knows, it's the way he holds him, it's the way he never shouts. How he strokes his hair and gives him baths and makes him breakfast in bed. Tony's never had that. Never. And he doesn't what he's doing to get Steve, but he needs to make sure he never stops. And if that means sacrificing a few things, then sure, by all means. He'll do whatever it take -- anything -- to keep Steve by his side. To make sure he isn't left alone. He hated that, he fucking hated being alone, when he would flit from bed to bed for discounts and intel and no one ever stroked his hair or called him good. And he can't do that again, he will never, ever do that again, he won't kneel while a dom jeers down at him or strings him on or -- he won't -- can't -- 

"... ony!" Sandra is calling "Tony!"

Tony blinks. Steve's hands on his face, eyes blue, watery, and floating in front of him. Tony feels along the fingers grasping his cheeks, panic flaring and then slowly, gently, settling back down. "Sorry." He murmurs. "Sorry. I didn't mean to zone out."

"It's okay, sweetie." Steve murmurs, fingers soft on his face. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have pushed, we shouldn't -- " Steve twists, looks at Sandra "You can't push him." He snaps "He's not -- he triggers -- "

"Steve," Tony says quietly "Steve it's okay. It's okay, honey, you can sit. I'm fine."

Sandra shifts in her seat. "I'm sorry, Mr Stark." She says. "I didn't mean for that to happen."

"I know." Tony says simply.

"Do you want to follow that train of thought? Or shall we move on?"

"I don't want to be alone again." Tony says, clearly. "That's all. I love Steve, very much. And I've never had someone treat me so good. So yeah. I'll do what I can to keep him as sweet as possible. As long as I'm not alone anymore."

Sandra nods. "That's perfectly understandable!" She says, and she sounds so happy that it completely jars with everything Tony had tried to say. "Arguably, that's a healthy response to your trauma, Tony. You don't want to be alone. That's a perfect starting point so, you'll try to appease Steve, is that right?"

Tony swallows. "Sure." He says "When I can."

"Because, due to past events, you worry he will leave. Steve has told you before that he won't?"

Tony exhales, shaking his head. "All the time." He says "Every night."

"So you could almost argue that you don't... trust Steve's word?"

Tony blinks. "I -- maybe you could say that. But I do trust Steve, that's -- it's relative."

"Sure." Sandra says "The same way I'm sure Steve trusts you. Except when it comes to the bedroom, because he's worried that, due to your trauma, you may not know what you want. Is that right, Steve?"

"I know it's bad." Steve croaks. "When you say it like that, it sounds awful. But yes. Yes, I'm wary. I'm very, very cautious."

Sandra holds up her hands. "Well there you go." She says. "Trust. Trust, I would say, is one of the keys to solving your problems. Would you agree?"

This is all moving fast. Tony looks at Steve, and Steve looks at Tony. "Sure." They both say slowly in unison.

"But," Sandra sighs "it's not the cause of your problems, is it?"

"I wouldn't say that, no." Steve agrees. He looks tired, suddenly. His hair is mussed. Maybe it was the driving, the drove a long time. 

Sandra nods, looking at her notepad. "I wonder," she says "could I see you both separately?" She addresses Tony "If that's alright with you, I mean. I know -- I know this is stressful."

Tony blinks. "Uh," he says, shaking his head "sure, why not?"

"Let me just clarify," Sandra says "I mean I want to see Tony separately. But Steve, you can go on up to the suite if you want? Will would be happy to take you?"

Steve tenses. "Tony -- "

"It's fine." He assures. "Honestly, Steve."

"Are you sure?"

"Well, I say yes, but clearly you don't trust my judgement." Tony half-snaps.

"I -- " Steve stands. "Okay." He says abruptly. "Call me when you're ready." He says, stiffly.

Sandra watches him go, and Tony feels a pang of anguish. "We can have him here." He says "I don't mind. He can sit here if he wants, it's not a big deal you know."

"I'd rather just talk to you." Sandra sighs "And I'm going to be blunt. I think you have Protracted Shock Syndrome."

Tony swallows. "Okay."

"I'm going to ask some questions."

"Right."

"And you'll answer as honestly as possible. Then we'll see what we can do, okay?"

"Okay."

Sandra smiles. "So," she says "over the phone, Steve said you experienced Sub Shock recently. When was that?"

"It's, it comes with the job."

"But what happened?"

Tony balls his fist, feels his nail dig into his palm. "I was at a party. A... an old lover of mine drugged me."

Sandra stares at him. She seems to catch up with herself. "And -- " she says "and was there sexual assault?"

"No. But she had -- there had been, uh. In the past. They wanted secrets. So she tied me up, sent me down. Drugged me, with, with something, I don't know, you probably know what it is."

"There are a lot of drugs that can induce or facilitate sub space." Sandra agrees.

"Right. So that's what happened. I -- " Tony clears his throat, because it's fucking embarrassing to talk about. "They dumped me in this alley and -- the drug, you know, it kinda turned me loose." Tony sighs "Do you know any drugs that stop verbal centres?"

"Not specifically," Sandra says slowly "although I know many have varying symptoms."

"Right, so I couldn't talk, or maybe I could. I was just so, so deep. And it was raining." Tony frowns with the memory. "I remember -- I was freezing, and I don't think I had any clothes. Anyway, that, plus the, you know, tied to a chair and beaten thing, that triggered a pretty bad shock." Tony shrugs. "Steve was abroad, but he came back. I'd set traps, in the bedroom." Tony snorts. "Filled buckets with crap I'd found around the room and set them to fall onto his head."

Sandra looks sad. "You must have been very scared, Tony."

"Terrified." He says quietly.

"Was there a marked difference in your symptoms after the attack?"

Tony blinks. "My symptoms?" He scoffs "Christ, no, not _me._ Steve's."

"Steve's _symptoms_ got worse?"

"Sure. Before he was protective. After -- a few screws came loose."

"How so?"

Tony rubs his brow. "It's difficult for him." He says "He's seen things... he's seen people do things to subs. And I understand that, it's a natural reaction, right? But the whole not trusting my judgement thing... it got worse."

"Why do you think that is?"

Tony grins, wryly, although he's aware it's highly inappropriate given the subject matter. "Think it might have rammed it home? Before, it was just, you know, _there._ Oh, well, Tony's had some bad experiences, it's nothing love can't fix." Tony snorts. "I think seeing me shocked -- knowing that Baine -- I mean, knowing that I was still vulnerable. It must have spooked him."

Sandra pauses, nodding slowly. "And your own symptoms?" She asks "The first time you went into shock, what happened?"

Tony tries to think. The first time. After that first party. Buckner had -- Tony had been lying on the floor. And someone, some kind person, had lifted him up and taken him home.

So he winces. "I can't remember great." He admits. "Uh. I was a mess. Whatever, typical shock. I remember the therapist at the joint I went to saying that. She said I was suffering from a textbook case."

"Was there sexual assault?"

"Yes." Tony says, bluntly.

Sandra nods, writing. "And did this have any effect on how you deal with people on an intimate level?"

"You mean, could I fuck? Sure. I could. I hated it, though. Made my skin crawl. I -- " Tony thinks " -- yeah. That's why -- when Baine -- I mean, my old lover, when she came along -- " Tony swallows. He smoothes his hair over his head, rests his hands on his knees. "I was just really happy to have someone who seemed to -- who wanted -- she lied to me. Obviously, she lied to me big time. So."

"And this second event," Sandra says gently "you would say you were shocked after?"

"For months. I couldn't get out of bed, I couldn't -- Christ, it was awful. And my guardian wouldn't send me for treatment, he said -- I mean, I entered the contract _willingly,_ I was up for it, 100%. It was eight weeks, and -- and I got help, eventually."

"You saw a therapist?"

"Back to the clinic. You probably know it? It's in Nevada."

"For long-stay luxury, I know it." Sandra smiles, tight, and goes back to her pad. "Do you often find it difficult to get out of bed?"

"No."

Sandra raises an eyebrow. "No?"

"I haven't found it difficult since -- it's not really a problem for me."

"Fair enough. Are you still reticent to be touched by dominants?"

"Not if it's on my terms."

"Explain."

Tony sighs. "You're going to think I'm a whore." He says honestly.

"I would think nothing of the sort."

Tony raises an eyebrow, but doesn't comment. She can think it, she's just not allowed to say it. "I used to sleep with people for contracts."

Sandra sits up a little straighter. "Oh really?" She asks.

"Sure. Contracts, intel, favours. It was handy."

"Did your... was your 'guardian' aware of this?"

"No." Tony says "Or maybe yes? Obie -- he was probably _aware._ He just didn't care. I was doing him a favour, right?"

"Of course. And you never reacted negatively to these occurrences?"

"Like I said, my own terms. No need to be scared of the people you choose to sleep with."

"Not necessarily." Sandra says, carefully.

"For me, yes. I would never sleep with someone I found off-putting."

"But Steve mentioned earlier that there were times you would be neglected? After?"

Tony pauses. "Yes." He says "That's true."

"And you wouldn't consider that abuse? Or mishandling?"

"I -- consented to it. I knew what the terms were."

"Why didn't you press for aftercare, Tony? Most doms would be happy to oblige, it's second nature."

"I don't know." Tony shrugs "I didn't want to be a burden. It doesn't matter. It's not important."

Sandra opens her mouth as if to say something, but seems to change her mind. "But you enjoy it, with Steve?" She asks.

"Yeah." Tony says, softly. "I enjoy it with Steve."

Sandra smiles, noting something down. "Now," she says "about the contract issue."

Tony feels himself sigh internally. "Yeah?"

"Do you have any idea why it is you're so resistant?"

"Did Steve mention it on the phone?"

"He said you were very against the idea."

"What do you think?" Tony asks.

Sandra blinks in surprise. "Me?"

"Sure. You must have an opinion."

"It's not my place to tell you." Sandra says "I'm asking why you're anti-contract."

"Isn't it obvious?" Tony asks, irritated. "Clearly I don't want to be taken advantage of."

"But with Steve? You said you loved him. I'm struggling to see why it would be an issue to contract yourself?"

"I think you know why it would be an issue." Tony snaps. "Haven't you said it already?"

"I'd like to hear you say it." Sandra says, softly.

Tony exhales harshly, turns his head away. "I trust him." He says "Stop making out I don't trust him."

"I think you do." Sandra agrees. "It's not Steve you don't trust. Maybe it's dominants in general. And no matter how much you love Steve, his orientation is blocking your last steps. Could you agree?"

"I'm not scared of dominants."

"Are you scared of me?"

"No."

Sandra nods. "Can I try some situations with you? What if you were the only sub on your board of directors. What would happen then?"

"Nothing. They work for me. I'm -- in control."

"Sure." Sandra says "That makes sense. And your team?"

"The -- you mean the Avengers? They -- Christ, of course I'm not scared."

"Because?"

"Because I know they don't murder subs. I know they would never try it on. I know that even if they did -- " Tony swallows 

"Steve would stop them?"

"No. I'd be able to blow them to hell."

"You wouldn't rely on Steve to protect you?"

"I don't rely on anyone but myself."

"So arguably, you don't trust Steve."

"No! Stop that!"

"You prefer to rely on yourself?"

"Of course!"

"Why? Do you not like being a burden? You mentioned that."

"No!" Tony makes a frustrated noise "No. I just -- they're doms. Steve's one of them, you know? And he wouldn't hurt me, and neither would they, so it's all bullshit anyway."

"You wouldn't rely on Steve because, maybe, secretly you worry he's not better than everyone else who wants to take advantage of you? Who ever has taken advantage of you?"

Tony blinks. "I -- " He swallows. "No." He says weakly.

Sandra speaks gently, like to a wounded animal. "Fear of the dominant orientation if a common symptom of PSS. Especially after what you've suffered, Tony. Other than Steve, who was the last dominant you trusted?"

Tony rubs the bridge of his nose. "I haven't -- I stopped trusting them. After the first party."

Sandra nods slowly, smiles sadly. "You did, didn't you? Of course you did. Could you -- do you want to say what happened?"

Tony shrugs. "It's exactly what you think. I was young. Drunk. Guy asks me home, I go with him. He plies with with drugs. I start to drop. Next thing I know, I'm chained to a pole. They took turns."

Sandra winces. "You were very young." She says "Very susceptible, and -- of course, being hurt like that when you're under means the trauma really sticks with you."

"Right." Tony says, quietly.

"So if I can talk to you a little more about trust -- "

"Steve thinks we can fix it." Tony blurts.

Sandra looks at him. "What?"

"He thinks we can fix it. Fix him. Fix me. He -- he had some ideas."

Sandra settles. "Tell me."

"He said -- back when, you know, _back then._ He had a submissive friend. And after he was hurt -- traumatised, I don't know what I should call it -- the doctor recommended -- he recommended routine submission."

Sandra raises an eyebrow. "It's... old-fashioned."

"That's what I thought." Tony admits, grateful that's not crazy. "And I thought, it's more for the hard-liners? But -- " He swallows.

"But?"

"But what if it's not? I mean -- I think -- "

"Do you know why it's recommended? How it's supposed to help?"

Tony sighs. "I don't know," he says wearily "relax me? Blow up his ego? Something like that."

"Well, yes, actually."

"Great."

"You don't sound keen, Tony."

"I'm keen to do whatever helps Steve best."

"Okay," Sandra says levelly "but what about yourself?"

"What about myself? I'll keep going on how I'm going."

"We're here to discuss therapy for the both of you."

"Sure. But it's me you're talking to privately, not Steve." Tony says, wryly.

"That's because it's you who stands to suffer if the therapy goes wrong." Sandra says, sharply. "Could you tell me, honestly, right now that you would enjoy having periods of time when every part of you is devoted to your dominant?"

Tony pauses. He thinks he knows the answer.

"Yes." He says, softly.

"Yes?" Sandra says, incredulously.

"Why is it so difficult to comprehend?"

"Because -- Tony, it's a big commitment."

"I'm willing to be committed."

"I'm not sure if it's the best course of action." Sandra says "Tony, you're admitted to trust issues -- "

"I want to build trust." Tony clears his throat. "I want to build it. Because you're right, maybe. I don't trust dominants. And -- I don't know, I believe that Steve means the best for me. And I know he wouldn't hurt me. And I'm willing to try. The worst that goes wrong is I don't enjoy it."

Sandra seems to take this in. "Well," she says "that's absolutely your choice. If you're okay with it then yes. I can tell you that it's something I recommend to my patients to strengthen trust, limit the symptoms of PSS. But the problem -- " she pauses "I would feel very uncomfortable sending you into that kind of treatment without a contract."

Tony blinks. "What?"

"A contract, Tony. With your dom. Boundaries, guidelines. Something that would hold up in court."

"Steve won't hurt me."

"I know that. But that sort of commitment... Tony, you're going to need to shape _some_ kind of contract. You're surely not just going to kneel and let Steve do what he wants? Without telling him what you need first?"

"It'll be verbal." 

"There's no way you'll be able to negotiate it all, Tony." Sandra says softly "You know that."

Tony feels himself growing antsy again. For awhile, for a brief minute, everything had made sense. He was going to kneel for Steve. He had trust issues, but they could be healed. Steve would learn to see him as an equal, not someone to be protected.

But the thought of a contract?

Tony's anxiety level just went through the roof.

"Do you take medication, Tony?" Sandra asks, suddenly.

Tony blinks himself out of his reverie. "What?"

"Medication. For your anxiety."

"For my...?"

Sandra flips through her notes. "I was forwarded a report by your company -- confidential, of course. It says that you've seen therapists before for anxiety."

"Anxiety is a symptom of PSS." Tony says, slowly.

"True." Sandra pauses "Personally, Tony, I'm against the label of PSS. I feel it's too general. If you were a dominant, I would have you diagnosed with anxiety and post-traumatic stress, but psychiatry has not evolved so far that we have yet to stop blaming every sub's psychological trauma on their orientation."

Tony blinks. "I -- what?"

"You have PSS." Sandra says, calmly. "And, your symptoms include anxiety, which we have down as insecurity. Honestly, Tony? You're not insecure. You're not quaking at the knees. Your anxious. It's a natural response to trauma. In a dominant, that's just called anxiety. We don't need to give it a fancy name. The only thing I would solidly define as protracted sub shock is your ability to go under very fast, very deep, and how hard you drop afterwards."

"What are you suggesting?"

Sandra sighs. "I don't know." She admits. "I shouldn't have said any of that. Do you want to hear my recommendation for your own, personal treatment?" 

"...Okay?"

"Seek out a therapist. Not a sex counsellor. Someone in New York. A real, goddamn therapist. I have a few numbers I can give you that'll send you on the right path. I'm supposed to be here to tell you how to handle your relationship. I can't prescribe drugs, okay? And I think it would be good for you to maybe get something that could limit your drop."

"I've heard horror stories about those." Tony says, because it's true. Stories about drugs that send subs into hallucinogenic spins, under and unable to come up, or permanently dropping. Sandra waves her hand.

"No," she says "that's not true. You can get drugs that make it just a little harder to go under, the same way you can get drugs to make it easier. And maybe something to help with the drop." Sandra looks puzzled "Did none of your other, numerous, psychiatrists ever mention this to you?"

Tony opens his mouth and then closes it. "It slipped their mind?" He says, weakly.

"Unless you never mentioned that you go under so fast."

"It's not something I want people knowing." He admits.

"Fair enough. We can be discreet. I'll send numbers along."

"Can we get Steve back?" Tony says, suddenly.

Sandra blinks. "Why?" She says "Am I -- "

"No." Tony says, shaking his head maybe a bit too vigorously "No. I want -- you could help us negotiate, right?"

"Negotiate what?"

"A contract."

Sandra stares. "Mr Stark," she says "that's a very big decision to make on the spur of -- "

"But you can do it?"

"It's part of my job, yes."

"Good." Tony swallows. "Get him in here."

"Tony -- "

"I know what I want."

"I don't think -- "

" -- I do? What," Tony snaps "I can't be trusted to make my own decisions?"

Sandra pauses. "No," she says slowly "no, not at all."

"Good. Then let's get him in, and get this started."

Sandra seems to want to say something else, but instead, she calls for Will. "Get the Captain in here, would you?"

Steve arrives with a sort of deprecating air. He pokes his head round the door, knocks. "Everything okay in here?" He smiles.

Tony smiles back, leans in the couch. "Sure, honey. C'mon. There's something I want to tell you."

 

"You want to _what?!"_ Steve blurts, blinking. "Tony -- "

"I know what I'm about, Steve." He says quietly.

Steve can't believe that. He can't believe that years of trauma are gotten over in the space of a one hour therapy session. "Tony, if this is for me -- "

"Why does it have to be for you?" Tony snaps. "If I want to go under for my dominant then I fucking will. If I want to help you then I will. If I want the peace of sitting at your feet, than goddamn, I'm going to go for it."

Steve turns to Sandra. "We tried it, before, did he tell you that? He had a _flashback,_ right there, by my feet. I didn't -- "

"That's not the whole story." Tony says, calmly. "And Steve, Sandra was right. We can't do something like this without a contract."

"I want one." Steve says, because he fucking does. "But I'm not going to push you into it for my own sake, Tony."

"If I could interrupt," Sandra sighs "I think you're both taking extreme views to this. Steve, you need to trust Tony to know what he wants, and Tony, you need to accept that it's difficult for Steve. But," she says, smoothing down her skirt "let's not forget what this contract it. Tony, you're not being loaned to anyone. It's not _dangerous,_ it's just a document where you can both set out what you want, your limits, and what you are against. You are, I feel, at a very different stage in your relationship than when Steve first asked, is that correct?"

"Yes." Tony blurts, gratefully "Yes, that's it."

"So Tony, you're probably feeling more secure?"

"Honestly?" Tony sighs. "I think you're right. I think... we need this, for ourselves. For trust. And the first step -- " Tony frowns, looks at Steve "the first step, Steve, is for you to trust me? God, does that sound awful? I just mean -- "

"I know what you mean." Steve says softly.

He knows. He knows that he's over-protective. And he knows he can work on that. He can fix that.

He also knows that having Tony by his side? Having him kneel for him? Wear his collar? A two week contract, three week, four week. Six months? A year?

Permanent?

He knows it's what he wants.

"I want you." Steve says lowly. "You understand? I want you. And I don't want you to rush into something because of me."

"I hear that." Tony says "And I rejoinder with you need to start trusting me. I need to start trusting you. I feel, now, more than ever, that I'm finally ready. And I think this will help."

"Okay." Steve says, quietly.

"Thank you." Tony replies, voice low.

 

So after they've scratched their signatures onto the paper, and the stamp has been pressed to the page, Sandra is saying things about getting a frame so they can keep it for the future.

They spend the night there, widow open, listening to the rustling trees, the low hums from outside. Tony is pressed against Steve's chest. And Steve can't stop drawing his thumb over Tony neck.

"I'm so proud of you." He murmurs. "What you did today. It was so brave."

Maybe Tony's asleep, because he doesn't respond. Steve presses his lips to his shoulder, breathes words against his ear, the same words he's repeated every night, every night when Tony has slept, warm in his arms, scared to sleep before Steve in case the nightmares come and there's no one to wake him.

"I love you." He says "I love you. You're so beautiful and so strong and so brave and so clever. I love you, Tony."

Tonight is no different. Tony doesn't respond. But maybe if Steve had watched the muted reflection in their window, he would have seen brief brown, and a low, lazy smile.

 

**Author's Note:**

> Shit ending, I know. I just wanted to get this out before I go back to college.
> 
> So no more fic!! For about two months. I don't know how many of you are british, and I don't know how many of you have had to suffer a levels, but that's me right now, so. If I do upload something, please comment and tell me I'm a wreck who's going to fail because I haven't revised.
> 
> As for this, I hope I got everything kinda... out there? I know it's rushed, and obviously there problems aren't solved. But I like to think it's a step in the right direction? I still feel like taking out Baine is a bit too soon, so I'm going to have them acting on their therapy in the next one. If anyone has any suggestions for how they'd like that one to go, just drop a comment!
> 
> Wish me luck for school. I'm dreading it. Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck. I can't wait for summer. And definitely no more fic until mid-june!! Except for maybe a few short AOU reaction-drabbles. Because it's out on wednesday. Like, two days away. What.
> 
> As usual, any comments you have are loved!! Especially on how you think Tony came across? Did he seem relatively level-headed?? Could you tell what his problems were??


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